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  • Joel Alpert

Rated S — Bawdy Apple's Siri Sez What She Wants… And Has Created All Kinds Of Mistakes & Trouble!


SIRI says what SHE wants to, even if it's a bit edgy... but we’re trying to work it out”


Who knew that Apple had a bawdy side as part of its brand, just waiting to emerge from the insides of its microchips. 'Tis a wee she-leprechaun that innocently bats her eyelashes… and causes butterfly repercussions across town and around the globe. But I should explain.


I love my iPhone with a passion that really should really be reserved for a human female. Nonetheless, my relationship with Siri — who I speak with more often than any other woman — can get a bit strained. Because Siri Sez what she wants to.


These personal messages – Rated R — may not be for the faint of heart. Here are some of the real-life Siri typos that have come up on my screen…and theirs, too!


“With friends like these, who needs enemas?”


I’d texted to a female client “Speak with you soon.” Siri thought she should say otherwise, and it told her “Sleep with you soon.” Even as a marketer, that does provide a higher level of customer service than I usually offer.


On a business conversation via text, I said “I’ll review with you in a bit and call if I have questions.” It was not intended to be “Let’s review you bitch with qualifying questions.” The guy this went to didn’t think of himself as a bitch. He texted back “Joel, this HAS to be a typo, do you have Siri?” I texted back “Jeez, so sorry! I think Siri has me!”


I was talking (texting) to a woman about a matter of community affairs, and it was getting late in the evening — I actually just asked if she was available “during the day for conversation.” I didn’t plan on delving into her personal life to inquire if she might have“frigidity for conversation.”


In another case, I just wanted to “coordinate.” I wasn’t accusing another guy of being a “coward at eight.” Or even being a coward at another time.


I was texting a new client who had been in the office, and he was transitioning to driving. I suggested that if we were going to continue with a phone call, that for his safety he “Put on your ear bud.“ It was hardly my intention to suggest he “put it in your butt.”


When typing to a client about music for a video, I mentioned that I have a “wide range of musical interests.” Siri thought I should explain that I have “a wide range of breasts.” In fact I do not have such a range.


Like Lucy Ricardo, in these cases and others, I had some 'splainin' to do! And I've had to contemplate how brand extensions like Siri connect with me...on a personal level.

But I've made a note to self: ”ee-NUN-see-ate!” Meanwhile, as Siri takes personal growth courses and tries to improve her interactions with me, we are still working some thinks out.




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When not engaged in bizarre conversations with Siri, or trying to explain them, Joel Alpert is an experienced marketer, helping clients delve into branding, business strategy and consulting with unique tools and experience… so we can produce effective, award-winning targeted marketing.

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